I came to Christ because of pornography.

At twelve, I was exposed to an erotica novel at a garage sale. I was intrigued, then ashamed, and I threw the book away from me. But I was also curious.

The shame drove my curiosity into secrecy, and I continued reading novels for years. I was too embarrassed to tell my parents, and I didn’t want any of my friends to know.

Underneath my struggle was something deeper, the real reason for my sexual stronghold. It actually had less to do with sex and a lot to do with my view of God. I believed God loved me (John 3:16), but I did not believe God liked me. I battled my sin, never feeling as though I was forgiven and never feeling at rest in the affection of God.

Maybe you resonate with some of my story. Perhaps not the pornography portion, but maybe the shame portion. Or the reluctance to accept God’s love. Or the disbelief in His kindness.

It’s important to know that our theology of God the Father affects everything. As we explore the character of God, we find Him far kinder, greater and gentler than we have imagined.

God is Love

What does it mean that God is love? John described it in 1 John 4:7: “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God.” God’s love is His essence; it is sacrificial and transforming. This exposure to my Father’s heart finally changed me.

In the midst of my addiction to erotic fiction, I rode a pendulum between repentance and fear. My motivation was fear and I repented because I was afraid of God. When I came to Christ after five years with my addiction, I finally understood why I continued to repeat the same patterns over and over. I did not trust God’s love.

My repentance was genuine, but because I never felt truly attached to God, secure in His love for me and His grace over my sin, I returned to what felt safe: my sin. Of course, it wasn’t safe–it was damaging. I was so unfamiliar with the affection of God that I ran to the very thing destroying my heart.

The love of God is the glue of Scripture. It is the binding of the theological truths we study. The Christian God is distinct because He is, in every part of His being, love. There is no love in this world that exists apart from Him.

We may know of God’s love. But do we believe it?

Until we do, we cannot live in it. God’s love is real, and it is for you. “For this is how God loved the world [you]: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone [you] who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16, brackets added).

Eternal life is not just beyond death. It’s real life now. It’s real life free from addiction. It’s real life knowing and believe God’s love is for you, not just for everyone else.

*To read more of how God’s character transformed Phylicia’s life, check out Every Women a Theologian: Know What you Believe, Live it Confidently, Communicate it Graciously.

*Adapted from Every Woman a Theologian.

*Curious for more? Take 5 minutes to be inspired in your true purpose through our interview with Phylicia!

*For deeper reflection, listen to 1 John 4 today!