Category: Shame

on • Ashley Morgan Jackson

I picked up my phone off the nightstand that morning and opened it with dread. I felt anxiety fill my body. On social media, I knew what I would find: other people enjoying their lives while I cried about mine.

Life felt so unfair. Hot tears filled my eyes, and I immediately tried to blink them back while I whispered a desperate prayer, “Lord, am I going to feel like this forever?”

As I poured my coffee, I made a mental list of what I felt like I could no longer handle.

For starters, I battled relentlessly with my mental health. And I also juggled two kids under five, my husband’s unforeseen job loss, the sudden passing of my father-in-law, and ongoing financial pressures, just to name a few.

I saw no relief in sight. It was hard not to feel frustrated, fed-up, and maybe even a little forgotten by God.

My soul was exhausted, and I was tired of trying. It seemed I had prayed every prayer I knew how to pray and read every Scripture I knew that pertained to my circumstances. Yet, nothing seemed to change.

Maybe you know this season all too well. Maybe you’ve been hurting so deeply and for so long. Maybe you expected to handle this better and to be stronger when everything came crashing down.

But it’s okay that you’re feeling weak and unsure. God wants us to let go of trying to figure it all out, and let him do what he does best—save us.

When God commanded Moses to save his people from their slavery in Egypt, they never expected their journey to freedom to take so long or be so very hard.

But God had not taken them to the wilderness to simply punish them. Instead, he brought them there to both teach them dependence on him and bring them to the good land he had prepared for them.

In Jeremiah 31:2-3, we see the Lord say in reference to that time, “‘This is what the Lord says: ‘Those who survive the coming destruction will find blessings even in the barren land, for I will give rest to the people of Israel…I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself.'”

God hears your cries for deliverance, and he has grace for you in your wilderness.

I continued to walk through my own wilderness. I realized God was using those things I thought were breaking me to make me more like Jesus.

I felt exhausted because I believed it was all up to me.

When I chose to trust him to hold my broken heart and receive his grace, he began to reveal the good plans he had all along.

Friend, will you dare to remember the heart of God when it is hard to understand why he is not fixing your most hurtful seasons?

Will you trust that, like the Israelites, you, too will find grace in our wilderness? Will you cling to the truth that he has rest for your worn-out souls and that he will never stop loving you?

Regardless of how you feel, you can stand in confidence that God will continue to be faithful.

Dear Lord, Thank you that you hear my prayers when my life feels like it is too much, and I am desperate for solutions. I pray you would help me to hold onto you in faith. Cause me to stand on the truth of who I know you to be; a good, faithful and loving Father. Thank you that you always have my best in mind. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

*For further reflection, listen to Jeremiah 31 today.

  1. Jeremiah 39

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Enjoy further insights with Ashley Morgan Jackson in our interview with her here.

on • Natasha Smith

God understands what it means to feel alone. Mark writes this about Jesus, “Then everyone deserted him and fled” (Mark 14:48–50).

It’s kind of hard to believe this verse. At first, I read it and wondered, Is Mark talking about Jesus?

The one who died for us—that Jesus?

But yes, it was Jesus who was grieving. He knew that he was about to go to the Cross.

And yet everyone deserted him.

Jesus experienced one of the deepest grief moments of his human life, and those closest to him deserted him. They abandoned him, left him, let him down, and didn’t come through.

Abandonment and desertion can crush the spirit and be traumatic experiences themselves. But this happened to Jesus; everyone deserted him.

My mom used to say, “If it happened to Jesus, we are no better than him. So it could happen to us.”

True, but thanks be to God, Jesus has already walked in all our shoes to truly understand what we feel, sense, and struggle through.

And the best part is that he knows how to help us, heal us, comfort us, and give us peace.

Further, in understanding how God understands our grief, the prophet Isaiah prophesied this of Jesus, “He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3).

God, in the bodily form of Jesus, bore our sorrow, our grief, and our pain on the Cross. Not that we wouldn’t experience them, but instead he would know how to comfort us. Knowing someone knows what you are going through provides a sense of comfort all by itself.

It comforts us when we meet someone with a similar shared experience. It excites us even. I become super excited when I find out someone is creative or loves art because I am a low-key art fan. I have been since I was single digits.

And it is the same with our grief. Think about it, how relieved would you become if you met someone who had experienced—even remotely—what you have or even slightly understood your grief? Wouldn’t it make you feel less alone?

I know it would make me feel better. Well, guess what? God knows fully what you are experiencing or have experienced in the past, and he understands.

In his humanity, Jesus even wept.

Lazarus, a dear friend of Jesus’s, was sick. Jesus heard this news, and instead of going to see him, he remained where he was for a few more days. And Lazarus died.

Before leaving for Bethany, Jesus was already aware of the fact that Lazarus had died. He told his disciples that Lazarus was instead sleeping, but he would go to wake him. When Jesus arrived, Martha confronted him, saying that if he had been there, her brother would not have died.

As described by John, Jesus was “deeply troubled” (John 11:33). Then the story goes on to say, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).

Jesus seems to embody the words of Paul, who wrote, “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). Jesus saw their grief, and he had compassion for them. He grieved with them.

In fact, when Jesus heard about the death of John the Baptist, he also grieved. John was Jesus’s cousin. We first hear of this relationship when Jesus’s mother, Mary, went to see her cousin Elizabeth. They were both pregnant. There was already a kindred connection between Jesus and John while they were still in their mothers’ wombs.

Then this same John later prepares the way for Jesus. In the end, John becomes a martyr in the name of Jesus.

So, when Jesus hears about the death of John the Baptist, Matthew wrote, he “left in a boat to a remote area to be alone” (Matthew 14:13).

Jesus took time to grieve and honor John the Baptist.

I think as believers, we often forget this. Maybe we think about how strong and powerful God is; we think about how nothing moves God or hurts God.

I believe we forget how God became flesh and felt every single thing that happened to him. When people hear of your loss and immediately say, “I can’t imagine.” know that Jesus can imagine and knows your pain.

In the same way that people would become much more thoughtful and compassionate by trying to put themselves where you are, if we were to put ourselves in Jesus’ shoes (I know, big shoes to fill), we would have such a better perspective.

A better view. A lens of what it may have felt like while Jesus was praying in the garden. We would have a better understanding of the loving way Jesus understands us. Just as Jesus grieved, he understands that all people grieve, and he understands your grief. As he felt alone, he understands how you feel alone. He knew and he knows.

He knew one day you and I would grieve, and so God made a way for us to come to him for comfort and to obtain peace, simply through the name of Jesus.

So, no matter where you find yourself right now in your grief journey, God is asking, “Can you just sit with me?”

For further reflection, listen to Mark 14.

  1. Mark 14

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*Adapted from Can You Just Sit with Me? by Natasha Smith. ©2023 by Natasha Smith. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com.

on • Abigail Alleman

The song “New Wine” begins

“In the crushing…In the pressing…You are making new wine.”

My early elementary report cards showed “outstanding” rankings, except for one “needs improvement” blot on my second-grade report card. The category described how I “handle disappointment.” Many were my youthful tears—whether shed behind a textbook, on the sidelines of lacrosse, or upon my bed. From my early days, I did not handle disappointment well.

Jesus talked about the need for “new wineskins” with new wines. (Matthew 9:17) The old wineskins would no longer suffice because the new wine would bust them wide open.

In the same way, as an adult, I needed to learn to let go of what I thought my life was supposed to be—the old wineskins—and embrace the reality of entirely new wineskins and the new wines they would hold.

Crushing and pressing are involved in making new wine. On the heels of two very crushing experiences, I faced a continual need to surrender in order to fully produce this new wine, and it all felt so disappointing.

Disappointment never crushed me more than when we had to leave our life in Hungary after I experienced my first mental health crisis.

However, amid all the horrible lies I heard during my manic episode in Orlando, God whispered more fervently, “Endure, beloved, endure.”

I didn’t know what this message meant except that I needed to hold tightly and remember that God was real despite all the lies.

All I could do was seek to hang on to the overarching truth of Christ’s redemption.Christ’s remarkable story would win in my life and in all things.

Sometimes, dear reader, this is all we can do.

With something like mental illness, when our minds are sponges for deception, we have to trust the greater truth of God. He is present beyond every crushing experience, making new wine for us and within us. And not just any wine, but full-bodied, rich, exquisite wine that will one day be served at the great feast of God in the new heaven and new Earth.

As we walk this long road home, there may be many times God calls us to endure. Every one of our beliefs may be tested, but our deepest truths can come to life in this pressing time.

We are made for God, and he will have us forever, basking in his love’s beauty and heavens’ fullness. Moreover, this new wine he makes of us will bear the stunning story of his beauty replacing the ashes of our sorrow.

*For further reflection, listen to Matthew 9.

  1. Matthew 9

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Adapted from A Million Skies: Secure in God’s Strength When Your Mind Can’t Rest © Abigail Alleman, 2022.

on • Nona Jones

Jesus once asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”

“Well,” they replied, some say John the Baptist, some say Elijah, and others say Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.” (Matthew 16:13–14).

Jesus then asked one of the simplest yet most profound questions in Scripture: “Then he asked them, “But who do you say I am?” (Matthew 16:15).

The twelve disciples had spent almost every waking moment with Jesus for a couple of years at that point. They had witnessed him heal people, perform countless miracles, and teach with authority in the presence of the Pharisees and Sadducees. If anyone should’ve known who Jesus was, it should have been them, right?

They saw his power with their own eyes and heard his words with their own ears.

And yet when Peter rightly responded, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God,” Jesus replied, “You are blessed, Simon son of John, because my Father in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human being” (Matthew 16:16–17).

Here is why Jesus’s statement is so profound: The people who saw and heard Jesus identified him as John the Baptist, Elijah, or Jeremiah because they compared Jesus’s ministry and teaching to that of these men.They identified Jesus based on who he reminded them of, and we do something similar when we identify people based on who they remind us of.

We say our daughter is cheerful like Aunt Sally, or our boss is mean and gruff like our old volleyball coach. We tend to identify people based on our sensory experience—what we see, hear, touch, or smell—and how it reminds us of someone else. This is part of what makes Jesus’s question significant.

He wanted to share this truth: people’s experience of you is not who you are.

Just as Jesus wasn’t John the Baptist, Elijah, Jeremiah, or one of the prophets, you aren’t who other people say you are.

Jesus essentially said, “I am more than what you see me do. I am more than what you hear me say. I am more than what you feel when I’m around. I am who the Father says I am—and so are you.”

*For Further Reflection, listen to Matthew 16 today.

  1. Matthew 16

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Taken from KILLING COMPARISON by Nona Jones. Copyright © September 27, 2022 by Nona Jones. Used by permission of Zondervan.com.

on • Dr. Jessica Peck

Are you harassed and helpless, distressed and dispirited, feeling alone in your struggles as if no one sees you? You may feel alone, but God will never leave you or forsake you.

In the book of Genesis, we find an Egyptian slave woman named Hagar alone, broken, insignificant, and rejected. Hagar, whose name means one who fears, is a socially marginalized woman with no control over her life circumstances.

As she sits alone and desperate in the wilderness, we encounter an extraordinary moment in Scripture. An angel of the Lord finds Hagar and calls her by name, something her mistress had refused to do and tells Hagar the Lord has heard her affliction.

In response, she calls God by the name El Roi, meaning the “God Who Sees Me.” The angel instructs her to return and submit to her mistress. Her circumstances won’t change, but the strength and perspective with which she faces them will be different.

Every character in Hagar’s story experienced their own fears, doubts, insecurities, and injustices along a broken road, lost like sheep. The original Hebrew word Roi’iy means “shepherd,” “seeing,” “looking,” or “gazing.”

When you feel vulnerable and alone, you can find hope and comfort in the “God Who Sees Me.” Take comfort in the fact your compassionate Good Shepherd is always looking for you.

Even when you feel desperately isolated, God promises that you are never alone.

Reflect:

1. In the seasons of life where you feel alone, how can you look back at your story and see ways God has met you along the way to find you and bring you encouragement?
2. How can you find a friend struggling through a season of loneliness in the wilderness and offer companionship and encouragement?
3. How can you find tangible hope in the God Who Sees You?

Pray:

God, my soul is troubled. I am weary with argument and conversation, and my bed at night swims with the tears of my distress. I worry. I see hurt. I feel alone. My eyes waste away with grief as conflict makes me weary. I know You hear my voice lifted in desperate prayer. Give me faith in times of distress. I ask for mercy in the midst of pain. Bring healing where there is conflict. Pour over me Your unfailing love. I know You accept my prayer. I ask You to walk with me daily, putting people in my path who will speak encouragement and the words of life delivered straight from Your heart to mine, with confident affirmation to remind me I am never truly alone. Amen.

*For further reflection, listen to (Psalm 6).

  1. Psalm 6

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Adapted from Behind Closed Doors: A Guide to Help Parents and Teens Navigate Through Life’s Toughest Issues (W Publishing Group, a division of HarperCollins Christian Publishing).

on • Moeapulu Frances Tagaloa

I know I don’t look Samoan. My mother is of Greymouth (Irish descent), and my father is Samoan from Fusi, Safata. My parents were very involved in our church and the community, and these pressures started to affect my dad. He began drinking heavily. Eventually, his chronic drinking caught up with him, and he ended up going to prison for something he did while intoxicated.

While in detox, my father re-dedicated his life to Christ. After prison, he wanted to help others dealing with alcohol and addiction, so my family moved to Taranaki to live at an Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Center, which my dad and mum managed. One day while visiting a church, I heard the pastor talk about how much God loved me. He said God loved me unconditionally, no matter what I did (Romans 5:8).

The fact that God could love me so much was a new revelation. I didn’t love myself. (In fact, I hated everything about me.) But I wanted to know this God who loved me so much, so I accepted Jesus into my life and experienced that amazing forgiveness that Jesus offered me.

But coming to know Jesus personally didn’t mean everything was perfect. As my relationship with God grew during university, I started having frightening flashbacks and nightmares.

I then began remembering multiple experiences of abuse by a clergy member as a young girl. It was very traumatic. With great difficulty, I told a friend on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ (now Student Life) at my university all I had endured. I hadn’t told anyone else before her,so disclosing this to her relieved a heavy burden. She was so patient and caring and encouraged me to get counseling.

As a part of that counseling and ongoing healing, I began to accept that this abuse actually happened. I then forgave my abuser and then my father and mother, who were not there to protect me.

I discovered that forgiving was not accepting the abusive behavior nor condoning the abuser’s actions. Instead, forgiveness was a process that allowed my hurt to be in my past and not in my future.

The abuse I suffered deeply impacted me. For years, the shame, fear, anger, and pain of abuse created crippling hurdles in my life. Trusting others wasn’t easy, and I needed to overcome my quick skepticism of people’s motives.

Still, knowing that the God of the universe loves me and accepts me has given me the confidence to live out his strong sense of purpose in my life. I’ve also seen how Jesus beautifully healed my relationships and my family.

I want to encourage survivors of abuse and others battling an addiction that Jesus gives freedom, hope, and healing. Dealing with trauma and addiction is complex, and healing recovery takes time—but Jesus does heal (Psalm 147:3).

The longer I live, the more I see how God has been writing a great story in my life.

I can also see how God has transformed a life shaped by shame into a life full of freedom. He can do the same for you!

*For further reflection, listen to (Psalm 147 today.

  1. Psalm 147

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on • Tori Hope Peterson

My track coach was told to wash his hands of me because I was “trouble.” But, despite what people told him, he continued to meet me at the track daily and train with me. I love the story of the woman at the well, because it reflects how my track coach came alongside me, and it also it shows us how Jesus treats those who are cast out.

When the world has set limitations on who we can befriend, Jesus shows us exactly what to do by reaching out to them anyway.

In John 4, Jesus met a Samaritan woman at the village well and shared the gospel with her. The cultural limitation said Jews could not speak to Samaritans. That meant an entire population could potentially be unreached by Jesus’ life.

So what did Jesus do? He disregarded culture’s limitations. And he met this woman where she was and told her about the never-ending, life-giving water – the truth of the gospel.

But the interesting thing is that Jesus did not go to the woman at the well with his disciples. Instead, verse eight shows his disciples had gone into the town to buy food.

Why would he not take his disciples and use this as a teaching moment? Why wouldn’t he have brought more people to the woman with hopes of helping her be seen and known and loved by more? The more, the merrier it seems.

So why did Jesus go alone?

Because even the people closest to Jesus, taking in his every word, being taught by him, and tangibly being loved by him, would have focused on the limitations of the culture. They would have pulled Jesus away from meeting the Samaritan woman, so Jesus shielded her from them.

Jesus went to the woman no one else would go to and met her where she was. He did not say, “You meet me here.” He went to her.

He met her there and changed her life.

Those people in my hometown were advising my track coach to stay away from me. But he kept showing up where I was— the track. It was one of the only places I was allowed to go, and his ongoing mentorship changed the trajectory of my life.

During this holiday season, I ask you these questions:

  • Where would you like Jesus to meet you right now?
  • Who is God asking you to make a difference in their life?
  • Who could you reach out to that you typically pass by?

*For further reflection, listen to John 4 today.

on • Civilla Morgan

Have you ever wanted something so badly you would do anything to get it? If you are old enough to remember the eighties, you may remember some television shows that dared people to do crazy things for big money. And they did! But right now, that ‘thing’ you really want? There is not enough money in the world that can buy it for you. There is no game show you can get onto that will help you win it.

Until along comes an extraordinary man who can give you this ‘thing.’

‘Jesus went into the synagogue again and noticed a man with a deformed hand.’ (Mark 3:1). He notices your hand! He can give you anything you want, and he doesn’t want your money! But there is a glitch. People are watching, and some influential leaders are in the audience.

On top of this, today is the Sabbath! Work is forbidden on the Sabbath, including healing someone to make them whole.

“Then he [Jesus] turned to his critics and asked, “Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or is it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or to destroy it?” But they wouldn’t answer him.’ (v.4).

Here you stand. You realize that to receive this gift, you would have to accept it in front of these people. ‘Jesus said to the man with the deformed hand, “Come and stand in front of everyone.” (v.3)

What do you do? Stand in front of everyone and suffer the consequences? Or do you continue to suffer in silence?

That’s what the man with the withered hand had to decide.

Fortunately for him, he decided he wanted healing more than he feared the opinion of the leaders. So when Jesus called him, he went to him. He had lived his entire life without the use of this hand.

The man vulnerably stood in front of Jesus. ‘Then he [Jesus] said to the man, “Hold out your hand.” So, the man held out his hand, and it was restored!’ (v.5).

Jesus wants our restoration and wholeness for us even to the point of dying on the cross to give us that wholeness.

We need only to stand in front of him and hold our hand to receive it.

*For deeper reflection, listen to Mark 3 today.

on • Heather Thompson Day

Why does God sometimes answer us immediately, and other times, we pray and pray and see nothing for months or even years?

There are two things about God and prayer I find to be helpful to remember. The first is found in Daniel 9:23. It says, “The moment you began praying, a command was given. And now I am here to tell you what it was, for you are very precious to God.”

Sometimes we pray, and immediately a command goes out, and God places the answer to our prayer in our lives. Immediately God responds.

But there is a second example we find in the very next chapter, Daniel 10:12-13. The second prayer we see Daniel pray, is not answered immediately, and it’s interesting to read the reason.

Then he said, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come to answer your prayer. But for twenty-one days the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way.”

This verse is super important to understanding how prayer works, or, as it sometimes seems, is not working. Bible commentator Charles Ellicott says of this exchange:

Perhaps no single verse in the whole of the Scriptures speaks more clearly than this upon the invisible powers which rule and influence nations… From this chapter we not only learn that Israel had a spiritual champion (Daniel 10:21) to protect her in her national life, and to watch over her interests, but also that the powers opposed to Israel had their princes, or saviors, which were antagonists of those which watched over Israel. The “princes” of the heathen powers are devils, according to 1 Corinthians 10:201

In Daniel chapter nine, we see God answer immediately, and in Daniel chapter 10, we see Daniel’s answer is delayed due to the intervention of evil supernatural influences in the region at that time.

What is important to note is that both times, Daniel is loved by God.

A delay in this instance is not brought on by Daniel himself, but rather, is a reaction to the organization of demonic spirits in the supernatural realm.

Sometimes, it is not your turn, and it is also not your fault.

There is a real devil, and a real army of evil constantly organizing to delay your promise. So, we must learn as believers how to pray thoroughly.

Prayer is not a one size fits all experience, and God will answer and respond to you differently season by season.

But prayer does matter, and prayer does change things, and prayer does change us.

*For deeper reflection, listen to Daniel 10 today.

~ Excerpt from It’s Not Your Turn by Heather Thompson Day

1 By various writers. Edited by Charles John Ellicott, An Old Testament commentary for English readers, Charles Ellicott & Bible. Old Testament. English. Authorized. (London: Cassell, Petter & Galpin, 1882). https://biblehub.com/commentaries/ellicott/daniel/10.htm.

on • Dayle Rogers

They’re called mother-in-law’s tongue, a green plant that flourishes in Florida. I’ve found it is something I really can’t kill. My lack of gardening skills has been the death sentence for so many beautiful plants, herbs, and flowers. This plant has thrived.

It has grown so much that the root system cracked the side of the terracotta pot. The longer I leave it, the wider the crack gets. Water gushes from the side, spreading dirt on the ground.

And yet it still thrives.

The broken pot is a reminder that something is no longer working. Brokenness, in general, is a reflection that the current reality is no longer good. Brokenness encompasses every area of life—things, people, ideas, attitudes, and relationships.

Just like my pot, brokenness in people can reveal things that we often don’t want to be seen by others. Inner pain drives our actions in ways that aren’t our usual behavior, displaying our unmet needs.

About a year ago, I went through a period where I felt like I bottomed out. COVID and the accompanying isolation played a lot into it. Zoom meetings gave me headaches. I’m an extrovert. Seclusion wasn’t working for me. Interestingly, the longer I was alone, the more I withdrew from others. I became non-communicative and sullen. When several of my children pointed out my behavior, I felt real shame.

That was not who I was.

Life tends to wear us down. But being broken by circumstances does not need to destroy us. When King David was struggling, he felt despair and hopelessness. But God.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18

David understood that God was on his side, ready to strengthen him, strong enough to support him no matter how extreme his troubles. When I was condemning myself for how I’d been acting, I remembered that God did not condemn me.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:1-2

We’re all broken pots, leaking the pain of our hearts in places we don’t choose.

But God finds beauty in our brokenness.

For deeper reflection, listen to Psalm 40 today.