I’d lost sight of who I was, and I was in residential treatment.

My self-protective tendencies not only kept others out but also kept me from becoming acquainted with the person who hid behind my “I’m fine,” and happy smiles. The slave patterns entrenched in my thinking simmered beneath the surface of my awareness, causing me to feel unfree without understanding the deeper root.

As I read about the Israelites’ journey through their wilderness route in the book of Exodus, I began to understand that their journey wasn’t just about reaching Canaan. Rather, this journey was one of God exposing them to themselves. Their trek through seemingly endless stretches of sand resonates with a deeper purpose of God.

He continually gave them glimpses of the slave mentality embedded in their thinking, revealing to them the shame, fear, and inner bondage still embedded within. This was the work of Love, fiercely intent on their healing and freedom.

God invited me into a similar process during the tail end of my time in residential treatment. But in those first few weeks of therapy, I was too exhausted and emotionally raw. God’s response? Eat, drink, sleep. “…or the journey ahead will be too much for you” (1 Kings 19:7). God’s whisper to the prophet Elijah soothed my own frayed soul. Desiring my stillness before Him first, God slowed me to rhythms of rest that eventually calmed my internal frantic.

Only when I sat, quieted before Him, did God begin to expose the slave patterns in me to extract them from me.

You see, no one intentionally chooses a slave mentality. Most of us slip into the mindset slowly and then become progressively entangled in it. The Enemy’s conditioning of our minds is a slow and subtle process that is almost impossible to detect in the moment. By the time we sense we are stuck and something feels deeply off inside us, the opportunity to simply step away from the Enemy’s conditioning is long past.

When does the enemy’s mind-conditioning process begin? Typically, in our first experiences with the razor-sharp edges of pain. Maybe a callous remark? An absent parent? Abuse? Loss? Betrayal?

As children, we are wounded when the inevitable brokenness in our world cuts at our hearts. No one is exempt. Few of us know what to do. Who wouldn’t reach for protective cover to prevent our vulnerable selves from being wounded again?

In our weakest moments, the enemy urges us to avoid future vulnerability at all costs.

He offers us ways to cope in our cruel world. He tells us we must hide. To stay safe, we heap on layers of falseness. To survive, we hide behind filters and fakeness. To prevent pain from unraveling us ever again, we evolve and adapt into inauthentic versions of ourselves.

This is when . . .

• The people-pleaser learns to find approval in staying small and always saying yes.
• The performer learns to find acceptance in staying big and promoting a winsome image.
• The perfectionist learns that producing perfection leaves no margin for failure.
• The helper learns that “being needed” numbs her own need for affection and affirmation.
• The comedian learns to settle for the shallow love that lingers behind others’ laughter

My heart needed to be exposed, both to me and to God, in order for reconditioning to happen. God began to show me that these layers had to be peeled back, my hardened patterns cracked open, for a deep and restorative reconditioning. I had to open myself up to Jesus, ask Him to bring self-awareness, and allow Him to reveal areas where I’d unintentionally fallen for the enemy’s schemes.

Why would any of us submit to a process this painful when we’ve oriented our whole lives around escaping pain? But broken and surrendered wills are God’s birthing place for new things. The darkness that had promised me safety now enslaved me.

The key to standing up to darkness is stepping into the light, allowing God to root out the darkness in us in order to free us to live in the truth of who we are in Christ.

As we shed self-protection and offer up our swords of defense to God, He wields a different kind of sword—the Sword of the Spirit.

This Sword cuts through tough and hardened layers, bringing exposure. The enemy’s power over us weakens as God’s truth penetrates our hearts, diffusing lies and infusing truth until we can finally live free in God’s truth.

Adapted from Stop Saying I’m Fine by Taylor Murray © 2022 Leafwood Publishers. Used with permission.

For deeper reflection, listen to 1 Kings 19 today!

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