Listening isn’t optional. It’s at least half of every conversation.

If you think about it, listening skills account for at least 50 percent of your conversation, because they require you to be in tune to the information and communication that’s being transmitted your way. Your ability to receive that information and process it accurately makes or breaks the entire conversation.

If you receive zero percent of the communication being transmitted your way in a conversation, for instance, you’re left with only 50 percent of the content, which is what you communicated to the person in front of you (that’s assuming you communicated perfectly). And let me put it to you simply: 50 percent is a failing grade.

If that’s the reality, then why is it that we spend so much more time focused on how to communicate than how to listen? It’s no wonder that James 1:19 starts with the skill of listening: “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Quick to listen.

I don’t know if this phrase would describe too many of us, if we’re completely honest. And the question is why? Why is it so hard for us to be good listeners? Why is listening usually the passive portion of our conversations rather than the active priority?

My guess is that it’s rooted in an underlying belief system (leave it to the counselor to always go there). I wonder if it’s because deep down we actually believe what we’re saying is somehow more important, valuable, or urgent than what the other person is saying. Deep down we believe that what we have to say is more important than what we have to hear.

And belief systems really do go a long way.

The opposite of thinking your words are more important than listening is simply valuing what the other person has to say just as much as your own words.

Philippians 2:4 is an important affirmation of that mindset shift: “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” Too is the key word here.

Don’t be so focused on what you have to say, your own interests, ideas, and input, that you miss the interests of others. Their 50 percent is just as important as yours. In fact, it might even be considered more important conversationally in that if you miss it, you’re back to a failing grade of 50 percent no matter how well, clear, or effective your own conversation skills were.

Whether you’re talking to your spouse in a heated conversation or to your boss in an awkward one, your ability to receive their interests and input in the conversation is crucial to the outcome of the entire equation. If you struggle to believe this deep down, it’s important to ask yourself why.

Because of your past, some of you are in self-protective mode: afraid to let your guard down and truly consider the interests of others out of fear you’ll get hurt, forgotten, neglected, or silenced if you don’t speak up and speak out.

Dealing with those underlying belief systems rooted in past “people wounds” is the first step in being able to build healthy people skills. So what are your underlying belief systems, and how do they show up in your listening skills? Here are some tips to improve your listening skills:

1) Remove Distractions. Distractions are everywhere. It’s easy for your listening to get hijacked, not because of a lack of motivation, but simply because of distraction.

Make it a point to put away your phone, turn off the TV or music, and limit distractions as you’re able when you’re involved in a conversation.

My husband knows he has a tendency to be easily distracted, so when we’re on a date, he makes it a point to choose the seat that has the least amount of stimulation so he can stay focused on tuning out the external stimuli and tuning into our conversation.

2) Practice Active Listening. Active listening is the body language we portray during a conversation. When we’re engaged in really listening to someone, believing that what they have to say is just as important, our body language and tone should match that belief.

Be intentional about looking them in the eyes, nodding your head to show that you’re receiving the content, and using follow-up questions to clarify or comments that stay on track and elaborate on what the person is saying. Not only does this help the other person know you’re listening, but this active engagement also helps you stay tuned in to what’s being said.

3) Don’t Interrupt. Be careful not to interrupt or interject when you’re listening to someone. Wait until they finish their sentence or thought process before you jump in to reply.

Interrupting someone is a telltale sign of a lack of listening skills, because you’re often so focused on what you want to say next that you jump in before the right time rather than stilling your own thoughts enough to receive what’s being said to you. So take note of your tendency to interrupt and work on truly listening.

4) Use Reflection. If I had to narrow listening skills down to one trait, it would be this one. Reflection is the ability to repeat back (in your own words) what the other person is saying in order to make them feel heard.

In fact, it’s such an important part of listening that it’s one of the pillars of a proven marriage communication activity called the Speaker Listener Technique. The goal of reflection is to receive and then process what the other person is saying, and then communicate to them that it’s been received by offering them a short summary of what you believe they said.

The goal isn’t to simply parrot the person talking. The goal is to listen and learn. Reflection is powerful because it not only requires you to actually listen and learn, but it also communicates to the person speaking that you’re truly present and engaged in what they’re saying. I don’t take it lightly when I say that the skill of reflection could literally change your relationships.

Valuing what the other person says is how you reclaim the lost 50 percent of every conversation.

Adapted from People Skills. Copyright © 2026 Debra Fileta. Published by Harvest House Publishers. Used by permission.

For deeper reflection, listen to James 1 today!

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